Sorry Love, but Can You See Me?

I want to apologize to my future lover.

I aspired to be perfection dipped in elegance and grace.

A statuesque queen occupying divine space – speaking life into the people and making love all day.

I wanted to be every woman wrapped into one but I am painfully human.

I’m clumsy and sensitive where I should be tough.

I complain and ruminate when hardship turns up.

I wanted to be cleaner for you, but the filth and muck…

Years of temple desiccation have me stuck.

I can try to hide it with makeup if you want,

but my true face becomes visible with a single touch.

And I don’t want you to see me like this.

I don’t want you to see me as yours just yet.

I mean I do, but I don’t.

But have I been hexed?

There’s so much risk in this poem.

My heart, my time, this access.

Lost so much money.

Analyzing risk management has me moving funny.

So I push.

Go away.

Or I’ll feign insanity so you’ll sway.

I’m sorry, I’m still scared at the end of the day.

The last “love” ended in abuse.

Accountability is mandatory, so they’ll ask me,

“Well what did you do?”

Justified, heart locked away,

My anxiety is through the roof.

So I apologize to my next boo.

It’s not fair that you’ll deal with the consequences of other’s actions.

So I take myself into my own hands with compassion.

I love myself through it.

I build me up from the ruins, but I wonder if you can see my foundation has been cracked.

I want to apologize because, aye who the fuck wants to deal with that?

So I volunteer first.

I’ve become my own oasis in a world dying of thirst.

I fell in love with the Grand Canyon I built in the space between hurts.

I can’t pour concrete but I can practice patience.

I can’t fix it, but I can love it in all the right spaces.

I am happy now.

Joyful in my expression, hearting shining through my fit checks.

I glow!

And I thought I’d share this joy with you, but from me it’s a gentle no.

It’s not you, it’s me.

It’s just that I don’t believe even half of what I see – I’m unimpressed.

Reasonably cautious in my assessments, I take it one step at a time.

Holding the hand of my inner child I have become Mother Divine.

Fiercely protective, so I don’t play nice.

Like, “Damn my nigga is that really your best line?”

But this is my apology letter, so I’ll say it one more time.

I am both human and divine.

Both the damned and redeemed.

I’m sorry my life hasn’t been sparkling clean, but I am a lotus.

Still beautiful and always focused.

So like, I’m sorry love, but can you see me?

-Z. Nova 2026